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Notebooks - college ruled

31st July, 2006. 3:05 pm. my nightly thoughts

You may think that it was just a coincedence that our eyes met.

When in fact, I was targeting you minutes before you took notice.

You may feel that I am in love with you.

When in fact, my love will last for seconds and minutes.

Because in that moment, I commodify your lust.

And in that moment, you fall victim to me and I objectify you.

I am your lust, your fantasy.

I make you hard.

I make you dream.

I make you whole.

With my body, my eyes, and my hard dick. I make you weak.

I exploit your desire

So that you can pay for my college tuition

and my text books
and my graduate school applications.

Funny thing is, I make you think you're special.

When in fact, you are just the target for the minute. And as you let go of
my body.

Another one will come.

One that i was targeting.

Because in the end I'm hunting you.

You are my prey.

And i'm the predator.

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19th July, 2006. 12:02 am. Family and What I'm beginning to learn...the pain and struggle of this scene

Every morning i wake up at 6am to job three to four miles
i then on some days walk 20 blocks in nyc to get to work
sometimes i lift
then i'll do my abb work which is not worth repeating
and then another 4 miles at night

all this to maintain, lose, gain, and tone a body. to dance with dignity. and to lose a part of my soul.

Its so wierd how I've begin to conceptualize my body. Who am I?  what am i? I've used my body to gain capital. Each crunch, each rep, each bench press, is perhaps another dollar in my g-string.

I told the bois that "The sun reveals grace and beauty that the club lites hide"
I went to fire island with the Web peeps, including my mother like manager.

It was amazing and for the first time in my life, I felt like i was part of a family, a queer family. I felt accepted...I felt like one of the bois.


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14th June, 2006. 2:34 pm. Behind the bar

So i was bartending on monday and it was quite an interesting experience.  I felt different.  And looked at the club in such a different perspective.  Watching all the other dancers and the customers interaction with them was really interesting.  The big tipper came in, we'll call him Rob.  And as Rob sat down he took out, what he calls his "monopoly money" to tip the dancers. But what i found really fascinating was the subtle competition among the twinky asian dancers. They flocked to him and more or less fought fo rhis money in subtle ways. Some kissed him, other hovered over him. 

 

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10th June, 2006. 4:56 am. Identity = Performativity = Reputation ---- Alliances --- and Kinship

My body is aching as i had a rather long friday night.  The club was packed as it usually was. I usually don't make much on fridays..But something about this day made it different. Confidence for one thing.  But another was that in the four months that i have been a dancer, I realized that i have substantiated a good following of men who enjoy being around me.  Securring customers is perhaps of the upmost importance in this profession. By building clientelle, you build business therefore building capital.

I felt good which helped me with my performance. What i've been learning is that performance is heavily dependant on one's identity. Who you are in the club is eroticized through your dancing. You can't be a shy person and dance aggressively. This will noticable awkward and wierd, and people would easily be disinterested. Forging an identity, whether it be real or fake, is important to building your reputation. There are certain factors.

1)Consider race --- since this is an asian club, I remembered the power dynamics of Asian Men to these other men...Submissive...which is a necessity to this identity to be forged.

others like hispanic, black and white dancers are used and eroticized by the asian clientelle of the club...which then posits that these men must be agressive and masculine, thereby presenting the fantasy that these men "will fuck" the asian men and be there "masculine partner" because other Asian Men are not masculine.

2)Consider your body type - Slim - bottom - submissive///muscular - jockey - aggressive.
I fall somewhere in between - more muscular than i am slim.

3) Consider personality - in interacting with the customers how does one do it? are you nice? are you a bitch? are you cold? or are you open? What have you disclosed about your personal lives to these people?  What do they know about you?

4) Wardrobe...what are you wearing?  how does it match

So my identity i came up with and have pretty substantiated in the club is the sweet/charming/highly sexually/slightly agressive/but sometimes sibmissive dancer... Basically a sweet boi with a twist.

The know that i am involved with non-profit work...They know i laugh and am funny and am always welcoming...they know i'll help out other dancers and the club when needed.

Through this, i've confirmed my bois scout image, which is one that is more or less honest and as allowed me to focus my identity / performativity.

Other dancer identies are : the shy/ virgin.....the slut.....the conceited bitch....Those who can not speak well to customers rely heavily on their bodies, which can be risky as  the eye candy luck of the draw can only last so long. 

The Dancer Drama
- for another day

The Kinship
My manage offered me a week of "bartending training" at the club. He told me that this would be a good idea. I could easily lie in my resume and say that i bartended here for 2 months and did on - call bartending....

So when i go and start applying to jobs in Jersey, He would not only vouch for me, but it would be some form of experience, which woul essentially get me hired somewhere stable.

Before i left, my manager told me to watch out with whom i hang out with...Some are back stabbers...and said "I look at you like a son...." And through this, a chord struck in my heart. This man, has done a lot for me...And it just touches me the small forms of community that are formed in these smallc lubs.  I'd like to write more, but i'm so fucken tired and drunk. 

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7th June, 2006. 2:30 pm. The Identity Game

Its fascinating how at the club a part of our identities comes into the realm of performance...In fact, part of your performance is your identity. Let me rephrase that, I'm learning that your performance is the identity you choose.

What is identity though?
Its a combination of your body type
How are you type casted?
In the realm of fantasy - bodies are binary form

Ultra Masculine --- Muscular , athletic, jockey
Ultra Feminine --- Twinky, skinny, anorexic

These bodies have a role ---Ultra Masculine ---Perceived Top (anal insertor) which then leads the body to be agressive and masculine
Ultra Feminine---Perceived bottom (anal receptive) which then leads to the body to be submissive and obedient.

I watch us all go out there, and dance. And although some are blind to these body politics and identities, the ones who are strategic and smart use them.  Being prudent or being aggressive.  Its part of the game.

My body is interesting. I am type casted as one of the athletic/jockey types. And have never really conceptualized myself to be that way.  Until recently i've just been dancing for fun. But now i dance with more masculinity, which has been a turn for the best.  more attention=more clients.

However, my overall personality complicates this because i am not agressive in that masculine sense. But rather I am outgoing and very friendly to the customers of the web, which queers this perceived masculinity.  

Its fascinating, but i do this to substantiate an identity at the club. For people to remember my name.  In building clientele, one builds success.

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19th May, 2006. 2:59 am. Unlike the Geisha, A Go GO can find love - The rules of romance of the go go

Tonight i went to the colosseum with my friend. It was the first time i would be going clubbing to simply enjoy myself. We got to the club, and it just wasn't the same. I felt so, well, so not in the mood to party. As did my friend. We both felt like we grew out of it. I never thought i'd see the day where the colo got old in my eyes. Today was it.

I've been working at a club for the past couple of months, so for me, the scene is different, its a place of work, of money, and of objecitfying, it was not a place of magic anymore. Call this jaded? perhaps.

In any rate, i ended up bumping into one of the hottest go go bois from my club there, with his boifriend, who turned out to be someone aestetically medio ocre. In basic terms, this go go is like an abercrombie model dating Napoleon Dynamites' cuter older brother (if that makes any sense) IN any rate, it touched my heart to see this.  To know that shallowness is not something that all go gos practice. and that , god forbid there is a chance of romance for us bois of the night.

I went up to him to say hi, and he was delighted to see me, but with caution he said: "Don't tell him how you know me"

With that, i thought about romance. and the rules of us gay geishas.

I just got off the phone with the guy that i'm seeing, which has been wonderful He is fully aware and even saw me one night dancing. We met outside the club, but he is well aware. and he told me he was feeling insecure. We haven't fucked yet.  Which is part of my insecurity of sex. Being in this field, i feel like guys just want to do me. And as flattering as that may sound to regular ears, this feeling is completely empty and problematic. I've been used by so many guys for sex, i felt that i didn't want to fall trap to that, which is part of the reason why i've abstained.  but we resolved this, and will be having dinner. He had mentioned briefly of his insecurity of me being a dancer. And my response, as neutral as i could be, was "You're in a tough spot in liking me" and he says, "You're not putting me in a tough spot, its me who's doing this and my own insecurities i need to get over"

Ahh HA! finally noel has a mature guy.

In any rate, this inspired me to write about the rules of romance. a survival guide for those in the life

1) Never date another dancer
- This can lead to problems. One of jealousy. Competition. And of course unnnecessary drama in the back room. A fellow dancer dated another dancer, and with its ugly ending, there is now an awkward tension whenever they dance together. Essentially the other dancer's career more or less blows, because well my friend has more of a fan base then he does.  And well, it's just awkward. The club scene posits a very shallow sleizy vibe, and that is certainly not something to wrap youre heart in.

2) Dating guys you meet at the club...can be good...can be bad...but nonetheless can be problematic.
- The first impression is always important in all social interactions. Certainly a guy seeing you shake your dick on a platform, is perhaps not the most modest impression and speaks very little to the person you are inside. After all, we are performing, mostly when we dance. Certainly our personal flair when we move our hips, shake our ass, and touch our dicks have a tint of our personality to it, but no one know that i'm a non-profit consultant who works with urban at risk youth when i'm more or less masturbating myself in a cage.  Customers objectify us, and they put money in our underwear. There is a power dynamic that can be exceserbated by pursuing something outside the club, which may not only potentiall yruin a go go's career and reputation, but can as well degrade and disempower the character and integrity of the dancer. Mixing business with pleasure is never good.

3) Do i tell or not tell my boyfriend?
- Clearly this varies from relationship to relationship. Personally for me, i'm an honest person. I am not ashamed of who i am and what i do. You either accept me for me, or you can suck my ass.  But for others who feel otherwise, denying this can be an option. In disclosing this information to your partner, insecurities of the other partner may rise. However, that does not mean the relationship should fail and die.  That is an insecurity that the partner has, and something that you cqn\t control. As a go go, the idea of control is something that is subjective. One can not control the money one earns or the levels of sexual assault you will experience. One can not control a horny client following them to their car, or the people who may find out about you at the club. But outside the club, control is something that one should embrace, especially matters of the heart.  You dance, you earn, you work, you live.  You do what you need to do. and no one should control that.  In not disclosing this information, one loses the control of honesty and annonimity. Right now, my picture is on the website.  if the guy that i was seeing scrolled to the url of the club and found my photo, i don't think he would be too pleased that i've been keeping my secret life secret. I control this, by telling him right off the back. hey i'm a go go boi at this club in manhattan. This forces him to deal with it initially. In essence, giving me the agency in the relationship to control my status. I am who i am, only i control that.

4) Hot sex over Hot love?
- Its easy to fall under trap of shallow hot sex. But one must remember, every night men walk in the club who look at you dancing with every intention to fuck the living day lights out of you. Not many of them come into the club with the intention of appreciating your heart and soul and body.  Embrace this.

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18th May, 2006. 9:00 pm. just a small look into my world of go going











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18th May, 2006. 8:47 pm. Race Politics

The Club i work in is heavy with race politics.

When hired, there is a parethesis next to our name

My name is Noel (A)

A standing for asian.

That small letter, like life, determines are placements, determines our night, and ultimately determines how well we do sometimes.

Asians are placed in some of the hot spots throughout the night. The cage on the weekend is where the infamous high rollers sit. COnversely, usually asians are placed in the cage when he arrives. Rarely are latino (s) or white (w) dancers are in the cage when he is around.

Among Asians, i find myself struggling with my body. I am perhaps one of the only few that weigh more than 140lbs. I am not a twink. Which makes me question my value. asian dancers are often eroticized for their tiny bodies. Which makes me at a disadvantage. Which means, i should lose more weight.

There are rarely any black dancers

white and hispanic dancers are muscular. or toned

Asian clients will never or rarely tip asian dancers but will tip white dancers sometimes exclusively. this perhaps is a reaction of internalized racism and the rejection of the asian body.

White clients almost exclusively tip asian dancers.

This i like to call the colonization trajectory from which the US has established in Asia. This sexual eroticization of the asian submissive body. Perhaps this is originated from the years of the exotic colonization of the oriental land.

HmmMMmmMMMMmmm....

all i know is that, in the next two weeks, i will be dropping 12 lbs to see how that affects my dancing career. perhaps this will allow me to reinvent myself...and stay on top of my game.

who knows.


In a world of beauty, fantasy, and desire, when one is a character, it is dangerous to become insecure. Through insecurity, in a profession of fantasy and sex, one will lose control. I hope this does not happen to me

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18th May, 2006. 11:38 am. the life of a go go dancer

I've been meaning toupdate on a regular day basis on my experiences as a go go dancer. THis will be a larger collection of of writings within the next couple of weeks. I plan on writing a bigger piece. Perhaps a book or something or a nice little senior thesis. But here it goes

I'm in my boyfriend's house. I just woke up not too long ago. But where to begin? there's so much to write about

I guess i'll start from the beginning.

Go Go dancing is a job that is difficult to write about. THere is no conclusive guide to being one. Each club is different. each body is different. Each dancer has different intentions in getting into the profession
SOme dancers dance for rent and survival
others dance for easy money to pay the bills
And others dance because they love the life style
Others dance for confidence
and others dance for empowerment0

I've decided to dance for a multitude of reasons

I first went to this club (Which will go nameless/ because i found it fascinating. It subverted the hierarchy in which masculinity is constructed, by placing asian men, as the hegemonic (in a capitalist point of view) at the top. It was the first time, that i saw Asian men in high demand. Being a queer asian american, i always felt inadequate, living in a white heterosexual world. Conversely this paradigm is carried over to the gay world where white bodies, straight acting white bodies, have become what hegemonic masculinity is all about.

But in this club, the dancers, be it asian twinky fem men, have become the leading male role to be.

With this, i discovered this club a year ago. Where i weighed about 190lbs. I knew that in order to enter this world of modern day geishas, i needed to lose some weight, tone up, and get my shit together.

SInce the discovery of this club I've lost over 30lbs. I found a suitor to my liking to attain access and used that persont to get in. Personal networks are huge, and i knew that if i was going to go into this, i needed to be strategic, in order to succeed.
SO i auditioned. The audition was half an hour. THe manager would see how well you did and he would hire you. The manager was filipino, so i knew from then, i had some what of a advantage to my acceptance at this club, even though i was not the emaciated filipino body, but rather would be type casted the muscualar type, which is better than the fat one, which aparently doesn't exist in my club.

But i knew, i was not muscular. Rather i was average to normal eyes, and in the world of go go, i was fat. So i knew in
order to stay in the game, i'd had to tone up.

I knew before going into this, i'd have to make friends, forge an identity, and lose weight or at least tone up.
Which was what i did.

Since i've gotten the job, i've become more muscular, more toned, and changed a bit of my image, new hair, new clothes, new underwear, and a new found sexuality that i never tapped into

You see. One may thing dancing in one's underwear is an easy task. This it is not. One must be aware as to who is looking, who will tip, and how much you want to expose yourself.
And as well. One must be aware of the big tippers. Which i outlined in my mind. I know who tips well, who tips because he likes you, and who will not tip cause youre not his type

With that, i knew i had to some how align myself with the big tippers, and the men who were in charge, who were essentially white men.

In the end, my original conclusive response to the hegemonic asian man, was only but a facade. We were simply the main attraction. in the hierarchy of go go dancing, we were yes valued more than any other ethnicity, but bowed down to these white men of power. In the end, it was an exploitive cycle. But not to discredit our identities. we certainly had more successful careers then some of our white counter parts, but that is if you're good enough to last longer than the life-span of a go go boi, which is 3 to 4 months.

Seeing that i've been dancing close to that time, i am rather nervous. In three - 4 months. i've acquired close to 3000 dollars, which is pretty good, for dancing 2 nights a week. But i know, if i wanted to stay in this scene, i'd have to do one of the three things

1) Re invent myself - which means, essentially me turning into a twiggy asian boi. which i'm preparing my body to do very soon

2) Find another club

3) become a bartender - i enrolled yesterday to my class

there is so much to write about, and this is just but a taste of what it is to objectitify, exploit, but as well empower onceself through this field. I will write more, when i more focused, showered, and fed, cause i'm hungry!

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11th May, 2006. 1:16 am. so yeah...wow i haven't updated in a while

SoooooOO

I am now officially a Senior in College
WHOA!
Scary i know

Spring 06 Grades
Documentary Production - A-
Internship Comm - P (Pass)
Fem in the WOrk PLace - A
Comm Based Research - A

So i kinda got straight As this semester!

Along with that, i had a wonderful Executive Team Retreat in the camp. It went really well

Go GO dancing is going really well. And i plan this summer for me to completely focused on my body in perfecting it....

I might be going for this film internship with OUtcast film. working with providing media etc for queer groups etc

But why i want to update

I met a man
and it feels like he's substantial
His name is Angel
And i met him 4 months ago in an activist thing that GLAAD had sponsored
He's such a great guy
and we both really enjoy each other's company
God...i might have aboyfriend
that i really match with
he's just on my mind all the time
and i know i'm on his
he's beautiful!!!!

Everytime i sleep over his apartment, he always wakes me up with sweet kisses on my neck
and holds me.
HE"S SO affectionate

i don't know what i'm writing, all i know is that this feeling feels so good!

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